Alberta’s rat-free status is at risk, again. The Alberta Rat Patrol is on high alert and has been working overtime after receiving a flood of calls of rat sightings in the Alberta legislature in the last few days.

       

Alberta Agriculture inspector Rob Pulyk put on a "Rat Patrol" truckers hat for the cameras at a press conference at the legislature this morning. “We have to do everything humanly possible to keep rats out of this great province. It is important that Alberta remain rat-free because we want to uphold the high standards of democracy in this province,” Pulyk stoically said.

There have been dozens of complaints that rats have been eating taxpayer money. It is alleged that much of the billions of dollars of Alberta government revenue has been nibbled away. Sightings of rats have occurred at committee meetings and at wine and cheese parties.

In response, the Rat Patrol put out 70 traps and bait stations yesterday in and around the legislature. They made a special effort to clear away papers, empty pizza boxes, and beer cans from committee rooms. Pulyk says that rats have a field day there.

Animal rights activists were assured that the traps were humane and that the bait was certified organic, perfectly inline with Alberta’s values. “The rat-free claim boosts Alberta’s international reputation as an environmentally friendly province,” Pulyk said with a twinkle in his eye.

Scott Hennig, Alberta director of the Canadian Taxpayers Federation, is livid. “I am not buying Alberta’s rat-free claim. The Alberta legislature is infested with rats. Over the last few years they have been getting huge and no one is doing anything about it. Look over there! See how fat that sucker is?” This reporter couldn’t see anything.

“Rats breed about 15,000 descendents a year. Before we know it rats will infest the legislature and chew up all of taxpayers’ hard earned money from oil,” said a fearful Hennig.

Others also fear the legislature is contaminated with rats. David Eggen, director of the Friends of Medicare, thinks that rats are to blame for the health care deficit. “As I speak, the rats are nibbling away at our public health care. The rats must be exterminated”.

Pulyk thinks that these fears are overblown. Since 1950 Alberta has been spending money to keep our province rat-free. Currently we are spending $500,000 a year, an amount that Hennig finds atrocious. Hennig says that the money instead could be paid out as ‘Ed Bucks’, which would work out to about 14 cents for each Albertan.

Albertans are warned to be on the lookout for rats. Rumour is that rats may come to the legislature from all over the province to come feed on taxpayer money in late October. “You can't leave money lying around,” Pulyk says. “Don't leave money in your pocket while you sleep because rats will steal it and stash it away in their pensions. Many rats have suits on and hang around those with briefcases, but don’t be fooled”.

Many Albertans think that rats are just a joke. “Rats bite and carry many money eating and lying diseases, which can spread like H1N1,” Pulyk says with the feeling that he is talking to himself. “At this time of year rats are just wandering around and biting people. They’re hungry for money and power. If you see one, do not try to kill it yourself. Just call the Rat Patrol”.

After a hard day’s work, the Rat Patrol found what they were looking for, just outside the legislature. Pulyk says they found dozens of rats nesting in carbon storage holes. “We have dealt with the problem. I can assure you that there are no other signs of rats”.

Thank goodness, Alberta is rat-free again.